Barrowed time

The meetings are ending, the mentalness calming,
My requirement for booze is frankly alarming
But I find myself stuck in a armed-guarded site,
With too much work-chat for comfort and not a bevvy in sight!

The evening holds dinner, to the "The Italian" I ...guess,
To watch chavs fight with napkins and try foreign - aw bless,
Entertainment deprived, nothing pretty to see,
How this town got your name is way beyond me!

So with no phone-based escape, I resort to primary-school
rhyming-schemes, Facebook for chat and entertainingly perv-baseddaydreams...
Tomorrow I can leave and go home till Sunday
May eventidy the fuckin thing, cause She's coming - hooray!

James

21st October 2009

In a very important meeting

Discussing important thing

Distracted

100th Boxing Varsity

Great night, though the result went to Oxford 5-4. Barry Maguigan was among a small crowd of celebrity boxing faces in attendance, which was pretty exciting - perhaps even more exciting that having Chris Eubank a couple of years before.

The fights themselves were mostly well fought. A few questionable and confusing decisions, but that's boxing for you. Less of a bloodbath than last year, with more new fighters on the card. York Hall was a pretty good venue, and at least having it in london gave us all more opportunities to commiserate\ celebrate afterwards. Though, we still weren't able to find a curry at 5am!! Good job really, as i had to give a presentation at work at 9am later that morning! ah, plus ca change.

Thomas Brock's Eve - Tate Britain

MatureJim

Muji on Shaftsbury Avenue has never been outraged... hehe

Mumbai Express Rally - August 2007!!

Oh yes, come August 2007 young Irish Pete and I will be racing the above 2000km course in one of these bad boys:

Hopefully pimped up in black and white to match our classy cocktail lounge dress wear, of Team Tuk Tuk Tuxedo (working title)...

And i've just come across this little toy on e-bay:

That's right, it is only a DIY Nitrous Oxide kit for a Harley Davison! Well, it would be careless NOT to buy one wouldn't it!!

And by way of research, those nice chaps on YouTube have been kind enough to give us a bit of sneaky peak into everyday Indian traffic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RjrEQaG5jPM

So, we're all set then... just have to figure out how to attach a Gin optic to the back of our tuktuk and pick the soundtrack!

I'll let you know how we get on!

xJ

PS. Just to warn you, I will probably be hitting you for sponsorship at some point over the next couple of months... apparently there is charity involved too - who knew!

Tie Rambo!!

Tie Rambo! Given 30 minutes to reply, once you've been Rambo'd, here was my response from The Last - our Aly McBeal style bar next to work - on Friday, mid client dinner!

All courtesy of Mr Burty's unclouded, post-new years alcohol free imagination! Be warned, you can be Rambo'd any time, any place!

Mystic Mountain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uU6IDwrOzUs

Courtesy of Vulture Boy Wyatt, Cowboy Jim, Red tipped Simon, Receptive Pete and sleepy Rob.

I thank you.

xJ

Snigger and Repeat

Eoghan Kelly
Smells of Jelly,
'Cause-he-puts-it in his big fat belly,
Stands in custard,
Cool as mustard,
If-he-creamed-his pants, he'd-be-a 'Trifle, flustered'!

James,

In a hotel overlooking St Katherine's Docks

6pm, 23rd Jan 07

Commendation

Soon to be married,
Soon to be carried,
Beyond a world that you knew;
No longer the Newbie,
No longer the lonely,
Explorer, for now you are two.

A Lady, (A Yank),
With whom I’ve only once drank,
But whose charms are clear even to me;
No endorsement could be greater,
Than the reason we all came here,
His love, carrying Ash across the sea.

I’ve known ash a short while,
Though I think true to his style,
He’s a solid, dependable guy;
Mature, witty and clever,
It’s an effortless endeavour,
To commend him as your future ally.

I’ll try not to drone on,
Lest soon your patience be gone,
Listening to my amateurish prose;
Just some words I would share,
Insights, which you should be aware,
That I’d offer to you as I close.

Being English and wise,
He can never disguise,
Correct grammar or eloquent tone;
He could live happy forever,
(Which, I’ve no doubt he will, now you’re together),
Yet throughout it all he’ll still prefer a good moan.

His house is his castle,
But all associated hassle,
He will get off his chest when he can;
He’ll eventually duck chores,
And all other such bores,
Because more than just English, he is a Man.

JRW
17th Nov 06

Back of a taxi,

Heading to Ashley Harker's Wedding,

Texas

2 teas and a chocolate brownie please

A rustle like sweet breath on my cheek,
A cough teasing me from my distanced rest,
A hint in movement that my eye longs to seek,
Would all be lost if I simply confessed?

Too nervous to move with the ease that I’m able,
Rigidly typing as if in someway distracted by work,
Uttering nonsense in hoping to stay close in her thoughts,
Unbearable aching forcing me to write each word!

James

4.50pm,

Study Centre,

10th May 05

A Temporary Exhibition

Her
Softened light warmly glowing
Through background shadow
Where light once was
Though faded now, there's hope
Not knowing
That one day it will grow bright, again
Somehow

James

Written 9.25pm

Monday 9th May 05

Post holiday post holyday blues post

Back to the Basement

My office is here, where i left it,
Well lit, dark, cramped and yet bare,
Full of people chattering silently,
For whom I passionately don't care.

The highlight of today will be florescent,
In singular, value packs of threes,
The most moving objects remain stationary,
My bulldog-clipperships sailing accountantseas

In my pocket hides a fountain of knowledge,
If its inky waters could only run free,
But by watch, cufflinks and chain,
My hands are stayed by the strain,
My eyes blinded through lack of vitamin D


>>>

From: Hannah

James, write me a poem! Make the poem about highlighter pens and or bulldog clips.

07/08/06

Snappy

Oh woe is me, my head is sore,
I should have known the pain I would suffer before
I drank my fill and sang all night,
In my local london bridge bar of delight!
With no Schneider to distract the train
Of hard core quaffing that caused my pain,
No sensible words, no cautionary tale,
No biblical warning from the tempting apply ale,
So I danced and jigged and partied real hard,
Regrettably disabling your friend and emailing bard
From clever allusion and eloquent prose,
To say the inevitable question I pose
Each morning I wake; sans dignity, avec migraine
When will I stop doing this? I'm not drinking again!

26/07/06

>>>

i dearly wish to drink the beer
to revel in your good chat and cheer
to laugh and drink and fall down with you
discussing politics and why work is poo
but tonight is not to be i fear

my work has me chained to this seat
pressing keys in monotonous repeat
staring at the sunshine, so near

so i wail and sob and weep
as invisible shackles cut me deep
trying not to leak and tear
hoping that it might be true
to ask if we can tomorrow do?
until then to dream of beer
Lx
25/07/06
>>>

My dear Leah Scheider,
I would hope i could guide ya,
To the pub for a beer and a chat.
We've spent bloody ages,
Apart earning wages,
And there's nothing to justify that,
So it's time that it ended,
and the money we... er... spended,
On us dining and getting merrily drunk,
This very evening would be splended
For me if our aquaintence remended
Over a burger or other fine junk?

25/07/06

C'est l'Ennui, l'oeil chargé d'un pleur involontaire

Si le viol, le poison, le poignard, l'incendie,
N'ont pas encore brodé de leurs plaisants dessins
Le canevas banal de nos piteux destins,
C'est que notre âme, hélas! n'est pas assez hardie.

SuperJim...because buildings can't jump

SolowJim

Still sitting in work, but now all alone,
My retentive new manager has buggered off home,
Though the room stays as bright as ever it were,
The same atmosphere; slightly less stagnant air.
And in such a dismal place, at this time I am found,
Would be the forgottenest courner of an office underground,
Where i type. Feeling sorry for myself and my plight,
Still avoiding the work I must complete this same night.

Though easy to mock me, perhaps think me workshy,
The fool that rants over email, when he could look to the sky,
To the moon, to the stars, not the office-walls he condemns,
As the harshest of tourments.... well, bear with me, friends:
I will impart just the merest, of hints if I may,
of the upcoming events, that'll obsolve me today,
and the todays of the past, when my commentry just mite,
Have seemed hypocritical, perhaps somewhat trite.
For in less than 4 weeks, when the soltice grows dark,
I will look to that moon, and on new paths I'll embark,
If destination's forethcoming, before the inevitable strike
Then all is the better, that's... er.. serendipity? right?
If not - who cares? fuck it, i'm off,
And leave these poor bastards to fight at the trough

Emailed

30/05/06

Still sitting in work,

1.31am

SleepyJim

Sleep! Oh deficient banker of rest.
Tormented to grasp such a delicate prize.
Broken.
Unforgiving simplicity, intense reflection.
Lost in shadowy battles of disproportionate importance,
Overhelmed by the twelve tog tundra

Me,

6.30am,

A beige walled City basement

H Envy

Gosh, I wish i'd thought of this. Damned clever stuff, definately worth a click if you have the time:

Pandora

Happy Days

So here's an unfinished thought,
About the times in my day,
Not the separate points of joy,
Or piercing moments of dismay
But the coloured backgrounds that do not get spent or pass,
And from whose embrace we fall away.

We know our seasons well,
With a force that they convey
A presence undeniable,
And personality far from grey,
Each spoken drop, shouted gale or swell,
Knowing servants, we obey.

But the day we never leave,
Upon its stage we set our play,
From overture to closing score,
We dance our own groundhog ballet,
Songs before sung accompany ours new,
And it’s in chorus our lives portray.

Happy?

Me,

4th April 2006

Dark outside

...and there's not enough hours in our day

After many months of intensive campaigning and all too frequent bursts of violent protest, I've finally managed to outwit my old phone and extract some of it's treasures. By treasures, I mean slightly grainy wobbly pictures, which, coincidentally, seem to match most of memories of such occassions exactly - being themselves imbued with certain blurry fermented quality. Here are some of my favorites, from one of those accidentally legendary nights...

3am: Post Darwin bar, intensive composition begins for upcoming open auditions. Something about ellis island if memory serves. Needless to say, it was a masterpiece... at the time.

6am: Relaunching an abandoned yet unexpectedly riverworthy punt. Just think of our surprise when we discovered that an empty dry punt is an awful lot easier to pick up to put in the water, than try trying to pull 3/4 sunk one out of the river after a little trip around the pond. It's worth noting here that three of our number were mathematicians, although we could have been fairly accused of having the requisite skills for predicting such an eventuality, we were certainly lacking the brute force to get the bugger out afterwards.

8am: Why not go into town? I mean, it's a lovely day and so rarely do you get the opportunity to share your creative nocturnal energies with Joe Everyman. Cambridge's townsfolk were particularly thrilled by our rendition of More Than Words in front of King's College... well a few homeless chaps and a newsagent cheered anyway - as select a fan base as any fledgling group could hope for. NME here we come.

11am - After breakfast and drinks from a rather accommodating cafe on the Plaza, all there was left to do really was a quick spot of mortgage shopping and then onwards to the rest of the day and glory.

Feb 2005

Cyanide and Happines

SoppyJim

Wrote this for a mate ages ago on Yahoo messenger – made me giggle, because I did it when I got home plastered one night and only discovered that i had the next time I spoke to her and saw it as the last thing written. See what happens when you’re drunk and there’s no one around to hug:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ramona Ramona, I wish I could phone her or call round for a bit of a chat; I would take her to dinner, to a movie, to win her, bring her flowers or something like that;
But the distance that parts us, prevents the sweethearts us, just as land from the sea by shoreline;
Makes me thank god for yahoo, and webcams, to see you, ‘til one day we meet not online

Is there anybody out there

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Allo? Allo?

How does it go?
I am sat here in work with no one I know.
They chatter and worry,
Solutionize and scurry,
Driving performance all over the show.

I dream, far off, of a place in the sun,
Of content-driven work, and perhaps a smattering of fun,
Where politics would not,
Be the reason for where I have got,
Or my career, the only thing that truly I run.

So I wait, for the break in the storm,
To be spotted, for being outside of the norm,
Discontented my grin,
Smug, but disillusioned within,
Will it betray me, being intermittently forlorn.

Dave, on the left, is a bit of a lad,
But those colour schemes are driving him mad,
What font should he choose,
Will it go with his shoes,
Thank god he can always go and work for his dad.

Young Tess, on the right, wouldn't cry,
Only indignation, if booked economy to fly,
She's focused and keen,
Equal to any man on the scene,
Hmmm, so that's why she shows off all of that thigh?

You know, I'd just settle for a bit of a change,
Something honest, I know it seems strange
For a monkey like me,
To complain of his tree,
When banks would eat him alive on the plains.

But when can you rattle the branch?
Will it invite candour and reflection - not a chance.
The argument you'll lose,
For this tree you did choose,
The money is playing the music, so dance.

Maybe it's me, not-seeing all that there is?
Real people hiding in the Snap Crackle and Fizz,
After more than just cash,
Secretly winning the clash,
Between my object reality and structural jizz.

No such luck - the day is almost complete,
The hive was far too rushed off its feet,
So the discourse remains,
Supporting egos not brains,
Ah well, perhaps sometime tomorrow we'll meet.

Me,

Lazily cut out of an email

4pm Tuesday

Promotion

Slumped, waiting anxiously in a plastic moulded chair,
Watching himself watching, desperately wanting to follow,
His mind’s eye that departed and is no longer there,
His body adorned but hollow

Hands moving slowly though the eye does not see,
As if taunting each moment right in front of its face,
His watch continues on, unchanging, quite uneventfully
His torment, the fleeting slowness of pace

1 Nov (white rabbits!)

3pm GMT

Somewhere over france

oh k!

Yes. It's official. 1000 people and mass mailing automated robot things have been through these hollowed pages since I added a little counter thingie back in December - just down there on the right, see?

So to celebrate I'm going to have a coffee and Lion Bar! This is of course crazy behaviour that flies in the face of much established afternoon Tea\Twix traditions... but if you can't let your hair down at such momentous occasions as these, when can you!

xxJ

And then i remember my blog

Oh wasted space, potential potential strewn,
From distraction’s desires, past
Passed without tribute to this ravaged tome,
Moment's tomb
Breathing last in confusion,elation,satisfaction,
An epic journey ending where it was hewn

Big Time Burty!

Who would have thought it, our own Mr Burty.... a star!

It seams those krazy kidz at B3ta.com have picked up on our intrepid explorer's quest into the hidden world of Guinness sustenance, putting him on their weekly newsletter!



UPDATE
---------
So far it would appear as if all is going swimmingly on, what Mr B appears to be touting as, the "diet for people who think Atkins is for gayers, and would rather drink lots of tastey Guiness instead" diet. Over half a stone lost, with all motor functions (as far as I know) and neurological abilities (what there ever was) intact.

His days seam to be filled with watcing TV, drinking Guinness at home, going out on the town and... yes you've guessed it... drinking Guinness. To say I am slightly jealous at this point would be a bit of an understatement.

Virtual Academia 4: Attack of the Grindstones

With just 2 days left until my dissertation deadline, I am in the process of preparing for a long night of Study Centre Action. Although, i have to say, i am reluctant to get it all finished because then it will be all over. Well, the course at least. And i'll have content myself with days filled with random, guilt free, activities of my own devising; undoubtedly including large periods of time spent sitting outside on deck chairs, reading, eating and drinking alcohol..... Hang on!

Come on 6th June!

However, before such celebratory relaxation, I must inform you (and myself) that there's still the slight matter of 6,000+ words to write over saturday and sunday, followed by an editing exercise to cut out about the same amount of words... and all the usual essay crap that i have not once had chance to do this year as yet - such as reading through my work, checking for spelling mistakes and missing words/sentences (in my case) - which would be an almost miracle if it happened this time.

Anyway, as I always say: It'll get done, it always does. Thank God for the 3am pixies, who appear to have had an unusually busy time of it in my place this year. We'll have to arrange some sort of end-of-year pissup to mark the occasion. Just me and the pixies mind you. Maybe, we could make it an annual thing, with a dinner and speeches and stuff. Cool!

xJ

Tales from Merton Portus

Just a wee post to hail the start of the start of what promises to be one the greatest comedy endurance events of our times. In a selfless quest for truth, battling against the twin forces of corporate sponsored folklaw and bar-room FACTs, our very own Mr Burty will seek to answer the question "Can man live on Guinness alone?" once and for all!

I will keep us all updated as the week progresses, but you can hear it straight from the man himself on his very own blog page: http://theguinnessdiet.blogspot.com/

However, I would question the likelihood of regular update actually happening!


Sunday 28th May - It begins
----------------------------------
In the most scientific way possible, the diet commenced last night 00.00hr in one of Southport's finest drinking establishments. To give you a little taster of the rigour that wiil be employed to ensure both solid results (hehe, no punn intended) and safety for Mr Burty, here's a copy of his first notice board post update of the experiment:


Re: The Guiness Diet« Reply #16 on: 29. May at 03:08 »
-------------------------------------------------------------
Midnight tonight it began. To be kind to me, Mol put a pound in two of my guinness pints forcing me to down them. Out of the 3 pints, i had to neck 2 full pints of guinness. I am sure he will go to hell for this. I am now sat here feeling like i want to be sick and drinking a pint of water!
-------------------------------------------------------------

To put this in context, the chances of this being the first alcohol of the night for Burty is about as likely as me finishing my work a day early so that i can read through it and have adequate time for printing

Come on Mr B, you can do it!

Hakuna Mattata to you all

xxJ

Virtual Acedemia 3 - Revenge Of The [data] Sift!

Just a wee update.

Aaahhhh!

Ahem. Well, now that's out of my system I feel much better. Having swaggered about on my last post re. working at the last minute, I think some of you may be pleased to know that I am thinking I may have spoken a little prematurely :o/

Having spent the day fighting with my data, I've hit that ever so familiar phase in a paper where you suddenly think it's all a big pile of the proverbial. Precisely what proverb you wish employ here for imagery i'll leave up to your very capable selves, but may i reccomend something that is fairly basic, has five lines, of which 1,2 & 5 all rhyme with "corse grit".

So tonight, for one night only, I'm going to be employing a whole new strategy, based mainly on the advice of some extremely lovely, but much more sensible, people I am going to..... go to bed. Well, it's probably worth a shot. I mean, look at it - Blogging away, eyes half shut, in the vein hope (I suppose) that I will build up such a momentum that i can flick to MS word, and type out my dissertation before mr brain gets chance to kick-in and get bored.

Well, I here I go. I will relay the results tomorrow after I've had chance to confer with the ducks on the matter - of which there's a whole new generation just poped out! Generation Q i'm calling them! Yes, that's right, the pond-life gangbangs of late winter have turned into a veritable creche situation everywhere you look. Cute little buggers though, getting bigger and more adventurous everyday. I would say they have really come out of their shells in the last few months though!

Okay, enough of that. Bed time!

Night night, everyone, night night.

James

ps. I have a training session with Chris Eubank tomorrow! Cool.

Virtual Acedemia 2: The Return Of The Workshy!

I know, I know. I'm saying it to myself as I type this, but, gosh darn it, I just have to. It all needs to finished as it began. The Chi must be put in balance, and the Blog must go on!

Okay, here's what you've missed so far? Despite the array of promises to myself that I wasn't going to get myself into a christmas-esque style work pile-up again.... well, basically, I have.

With only (checks multi-coloured workplan timetable that i wrote to waste some more time) ...*bugger*... with less than 2 weeks to go, I have:
• about 12,000 (of 16,000) more words to write for my dissertation;
• an incomplete section of 7,000 words (which will need to be cut to 5,000 words!) that still probably needs another 1,000 wrds to get everything down properly;
• zero words reviewed by my supervisor (who's anxiety levels are no doubt rising);
• and I just ran out of notes!
Yes, that about sums it up. Nice.

Bolstered by my jammy ability to hit deadlines this year (well i say hit, more of a skim really. In fact, if you have a moment: if it were a game of cricket, adjudication on the matter would almost certainly be handed over to the third umpire and the omniscient "snick-o-meter". Let's say, each time I have arrived with my papers to hand in, I have awaited confirmation of their acceptance on a big display screen with some cheesy, crowd pleasing animation.) I have clearly begun to think that maybe it is just 'how i work' and is probably 'a good thing'.

Okay, now that we are all up to date, I have to go and try to write a section on Die Hard without getting over excited, so that it will fit in with the rest of the essay. It's not as easy as it sounds, you try writing "Hans Gruber" and "Nakatomi Plaza" after 3 pages on Structuation Theory and see what happens to you - it's like a kind of literary motion sickness :o)

Yippee-ki-yay, motherf*cker!

In the word of Hans himself (who I envision to be my second dissertation examiner):

"But you have me at a loss. You know my name but who are you? Just another American who saw too many movies as a child? Another orphan of a bankrupt culture who thinks he's John Wayne? Rambo? Marshall Dillon?"

xxJ

CUABC - Team of the Year!

Just to let you all know that the Cambridge Amature Boxing Club has been awarded the University Sports Team of the Year!

The prestigeous award was presented by Linford Christie on Thursday, who said "the achievement of the club eclipsed anything he had achieved in athletics"! Well, apparently he thought so, and nice of him to say but I think maybe the occassion (and i guess not a little port) probably had the better of him! :o)

Anyway, Woohoo!

James

No Expense Spared

So I'm about a third of the way through my dissertation, and I am thinking that I may have spent a little too long reading the more leftwing organizational texts; particularly as i've just remembered a message-board post that I wrote in the early hours of the morning.

So in keeping with my dissertation, here is a copy and paste of that message for your entertainment:


« Reply #25 on: 23. May at 01:46 »
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whatcha comrades, am in the middle of writing a critique of Die Hard for my dissertation (in my view, every essay should contain the name Hans Gruber!) and thought i'd stop by. All will be done for the 6th June, one way or t'other.

Am here till aug i think, but i will show my sleep-deprived face up in the Merton Portus for a large portion of chaplove in june or july... before The Man sinks his festering claws back into my soul in exchange for a suckle on the blackened teat of capitalism.

Well, I think that's a suitable note on which to get back to my management essay.....

Feel the love and don't fall prey,
To the honeyed trap of city pay,
When all is given, to the man
You close your mind,
You change your plan,
Your personality drifts away,
Till in 30 years, you see yourself say
"The thing aint the ring, It's the play
So gimme a drink, with some time to think
And though I can work, I'd much rather shirk
Else that's life-constrainment,
Else that's life-constrainment."

er, or maybe that is - peace out!

James

----------endtag-----------
All the trees are brown,
and the sky is grey,
I went for a walk,
Came home
again

Shelly's Sophia

Thou art fair, and few are fairer,
Of the Nymphs of earth or ocean;
They are robes that fit the wearer-
Those soft limbs of thine, whose motion
Ever falls and shifts and glances
As the life within them dances.

Thy deep eyes, a double planet,
Gaze the wisest into madeness
With soft clear fire, the winds that fan it
Are those thoughts of tender gladness
Which, like zephyrs on the billow,
Make thy gentle soul the pillow.

If, whatever face thou paintest
In those eyes, grows pale with pleasure,
If the fainting soul is faintest
When it hears thy harp's wild measure,
Wonder not that when thou speakest
Of the weak my heart is weakest.

As dew beneath the wind of morning,
As the sea which whirlwinds waken,
As the birds at thunder's warning,
As aught mute yet deeply shaken,
As one who feels an unseen spirit
Is my heart when thine is near it

This week I'll be mostly listening to Billy....

The whitest black guy in pop..... or is it the blackest white guy in pop? Either way he is definately sporting the McCartney look here. Ironic that the stranger looks like one of the most famous men in the world eh? Or maybe that's the point? Dun Dun Durrnn...

You can't go wrong with Longfellow

Day by day i gazed upon her
Day by day i sighed with passion
A scribbled note unlocked what I last protected
So I follow her still day by day

James

00.25am

9th May 05

Feeling Fishy

If I were a haddock,
Of curious concern,
For the tree being felled,
And the oil that we burn,
I may float in the sea,
Unable to sleep,
Watching my bed being drilled,
And my scales getting sleek.

Until no more I could stand,
And no more I could take,
I would gather my friends,
Cod, Dover and Hake,
And we would protest on mass,
Gather, implore them to stop,
Before that net closes in fast,
And we're sold in the shop.

James

Written 24 Feb 2005

Instead of writing my

Environmental Presntation

(I just found it)

Snigger

I'm sat in the study centre with 3000 words to write for tomorrow morning (time: 22.37) and it's pretty much a silent world of workyness in here, with its inhabitants being polarised to the twin camps of Ultra-keen or Ultra-lazy\petrified.

Well, of course, I say twin camps, but that would be in the Dani Devito/Schwarzenegger sense of the word! And tonight Mathew, I'm certainly not sitting at the Governator's table!

Well, I was just about to go quietly insane when who should save me from this night of certain crap-itude with an incredibly loud, head turning, face reddening, chair rattling raspberry of legendary proportions.... none other than Professor Greyfox himself!!! Remember him? Working his 18 hour days with a cool silver backed determination of only the super rich, super powerful or super intelligent. A chink in your amour maybe (hehe-I can't say it, it's not PC)? Well, he wouldn't be the first to hint that all may not be as controlled in the grey-hair world as they would like us to think!

The funniest part of all tho was the instant tacit agreement amongst all but me and a fellow english-looking guy from a nearby desk to pretend as tho nothing had happened... as soon as reflex head-turning muscles had been brough under control that is. I'm afraid I have no such restraint to report on behalf of myself and new-found co-conspirator. Snigger, chuckle and eventually write a blog about about the hilarious event we did.

(Time: 22.50) I bet I stay later than the old boy tonight tho!

xx J "NightOwl" W

Garden Parties

I'd like to introduce you all to a friend of mine. We whiled away many an hour together, from time to time, during my last year of London. I don't know her name, and we never talked very much (mainly because I would be reading, and, well, she's made of bronze), but all the same I feel like we got to know each other pretty well.

She's in a little sunken garden next to the Thames, somewhere near Chelsea. I can't seem to find her photo or address anywhere on the interweb, so i'm afraid you'll have to make do with my dodgy phone picture instead.

If you're passing by that way, why not stop in and say hi.

xJ

Honey

Thoughts of he, thoughts of she
Thoughts that aren't sustaining
Supplicated and wondering
How you’re rated
Though illogical
And egoistic
You set
Inside

Update

You know that piece of work I was doing at least three weeks and two blogs ago... Well, yup, still getting round to it. If there were olympic events that involved self-denying concern for closing deadlines, and distraction techniques that can be enacted in one very small and very dull room, then I'd be your man. I mean, all Steve Redgrave had to do was pull on a stick really quickly**!

I'd like to see him go head to head with me, 4 hours before the term-paper deadline, in a little game of highspeed iTunes re-cataloguing. Or, perhaps, he may prefer to indulge in the classic 'Trying to climb on top of the wardrobe at 5am, only allowing yourself to use one hand and one leg'!

Ah, maybe that's a little advanced for now. I find, when in doubt, it's best to stick to the basics - such as the all time staple-great "standing on your shoulders to see how red you can make your face go whilst listening to a really old CDs that you had forgotten you own. Oh the many happy memories I have from christmas with that one!

One day my friends..... one day. I will certainly put considerable thought into putting "writing a letter to the olympic committee" on my things to do pile.... well at some point.

xJ

** I do realise by now that most are thinking of a very crude gag regarding the similarities to my probable 'olympic' activities and Steve's - but if I can resist, then so can you. In fact, shame on you for even thinking it. This is a family show after all - you bunch of immature cunt heads!

Marmalade

So, I was sat on the bus on Tuesday.

on tuesday you say?

yeh, Tuesday

a bus?

Yes.

So, anyway, as I was saying..

about the bus you mean

Yes about the bus

ok. please go on

OK, thankyou

no problem

Right..

So, ANYWAY, I was on the top deck of this...

ooh, hang on a sec'. What colour?

what colour was what?

The bus you were on

you're not serious

Was it a red one

bloody, red!

Cool.

Back to the Books

You’ll all be pleased to know that once again school work is mounting, and is, quite frankly, banging a tattoo of “you’ve left it too late again" on the door of my house of fun and placitude (is that a word? I suppose I could have avoided it even if it was - but hey, tha's blogs for you).

So in light of this, I’ve locked myself into a room for the day in order to get a piece of work finished before I head off to Morocco on Sunday. So along comes (what is it now) 23:50 and still no work, because I’m spending my time composing little emails, like the one below, which I have posted here for your amusement (at my unlimited powers of self-distraction, that is) and as a taster of what is in store for the Dissertation Run!!

And after reading through it again, I definitely still agree with the conclusion I draw at the end of this email!

---------------------------------Copy-----------------------------------------
Wow!

i just found a mint flavoured Munchie at the end of a packet of Munchies! What a surprise! It must have come off a different batch run... i feel so special.

Imagine the horror though if i didnt like mint, and i'd been saving the last one for a while as a special treat or something. An inconceivable torment i think you'll agree, especially at this time of night with all Munchie-serving vendor possibilities closed for the night! It's exactly that sort of thing that turns people over to the dark side you know. If only the emperor had known the power of The Last Bite.

There is a reason, after all, why in Vienna it's still a hanging offence to take or even ask for the last mouthful of someone's food - they learnt their lesson hard way: "hey that was the last wiener schnitzel! I'd been saving that for myself.... you're getting me really angry, you wouldn't like me when i'm angry!" They say that it wasn't until many years later, when that same Bruce Hans Von Banner faked his own death in order to disappear and learn to control the raging spirit that dwells within him, that the city emerged from the green-muscle-fuelled devastation that that one seemingly innocuous event caused.

Just one of many examples, of which i'm sure we're all familiar.

But i ask you this, what if all munchies are somehow produced this way - with a suspect mint-timebomb carelessly strapped to the end each packet?! It's only a matter of time before the subtle combinations of a Mint-Hater (MH) with the wrong disposition (WD) will pick up a tube of munchies and start to merrily munch away from the detonation-end (DE) of the packet....

Perhaps it's all been carefully planned by terrorists, they've carefully selected and recruited a top executive from Nestle' to help them destroy the west (which, we as students - and therefore the natural enemy of Nestle - know is quite plausible)!!! It's all so obvious, a formula for disaster!!!

(WD) + (DE) + (MH) + Muchies = Disaster

Which if we simplify and re-write (for chris :o)

W + M + D + Munchies = Disaster
WMD Munchies = Disaster

We need to tell someone!

I wonder if Tony Blair likes mint?

"TONY....SMASH....."

James

.......I need help
-------------------------
James R. Wright
Darwin College
Cambridge University
------------------------

Cambridge 9 - Oxford 0!

Just a quick post to let you all know that last night we trashed Oxford in the annual Varsity Boxing Match, 9 straight victories, at each weight category!

This is the first time in the contest's 98 year history that one team has won all the bouts in the Varsity match!

The atmosphere was awesome. We outclassed and outboxed them across the board; while they were, for the most part, a strong and determined team, we had clearly put the hours in where it counted!

Now that i'm starting to sound like an annoying tabloid journo, I'll stop. Suffice to say, however, we are well chuffed! Happy Days.

James

PS: I have my fight from last month on mpeg now, as soon as I figure out how to do it, i'll put a link or clip on here for you.

The Captain's Blog

He passes by the college everyday at lunchtime, but who would have thought that tattered old jacket covered such a colourful past.... Ladies and gentleman, I give ye Cpt. J M MacCallum:

http://theseacaptain.blogspot.com/

BLog Cabin Fever!

Dear all,

I feel slightly guilty that I had to kill my ‘Virtual Academia’ posts before xmas, just as it was getting 'interesting' watching me monkey about the study centre, clearly on my way to some sort of entertaining scholastic car crash of a conclusion. So, in order to make amends, I thought I would share with you some message-board posts I made during the final week of.......“writing” my term papers.
Bearing in mind the deadline for the three papers was 2pm on the 14th January, I hope you enjoy the ethnographic 'insights' captured below. @:o) For best results, read while avoidng your own work...

Name: JimW
Sunday, January 9th 2005 - 10:45:38 PM
Comments: If I were a beer, what would I be; I'll certainly be strong, but occasionally frothy; I’d be as cheap as you like, for I certainly am; But can’t fill a pint glass yet, for I’m only one man. Now the shots have their charms, don't get me wrong; But id rather be a frothy-brew and fill you with song. For if all should go pear, and conversation sucks botty; you could chat away with me all night, and just stare at the totty. chorus: beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer, kebab, beer wineisgay.... I knew a woman once. i must have really liked her, i took to see India... aaaaahhh i'm losing it


Name: JimW
Tuesday, January 11th 2005 - 05:52:57 AM
Comments: u know what guys, i think i may say hello every night/morning this week! It's 5.41am now, and i'be been surfin' t'internet for the last two hours, as u do, with a big soddin' essay in front of me to finish off tonight (see Blog Pages). And look now i cant even type posts without referency type bracketed stuff! Johnny ma-boy, glad to hear ur startin them young on the porn... ahem, biology... can u make sure to teach the girls some useful practical knowledge (not actually, u sicko) cause it's highly likely that's the generation we'll be choosing our second wives/intalled lovers from and, well, it'll give em a head start won't it :oD... yup, whose the sicko now... glad u liked the song, maybe i'll be creative tomorrow (Picasso, 1973). Word. J
Q-Sandwitch Anyone?: fake cheese and tripe!

Name: Jim-24
Wednesday, January 12th 2005 - 05:21:49 AM
Comments: Mornin! And a special hello and happy NewYearsness to young Mr hill! Hope all is good out there dude... make sure you get to know the local types - ethnics are fun! And a happy New Year's kiss to young Suzi if she survived the reverse fridge-surfin? luckily last time i heard Iain’s diet consisted primarilly of Mini-Babybell and oxo cubes so I’m sure it wasn't too heavy :o) U know, I'm startin to feel like that guy out of Game On who just mucks around the empty house all day while everyone else is at work - well asleep, but it's similar. i wonder if Tesco could deliver a wetsuit/surfboard/SamanthaJanus before the week's out to complete the effect. I already have a ginger bloke to make the tea. Have the sudden urge to use the words akin & twixt but have no brain to do it.. so there you have it. Hang on tho... oo my leg's akin, i must have twixt my ankle! hehe... i swear, with the quality of my gags u must think i spend all week thinkin them up! Well, until tomorrow - peace, love and fireworks xJ
Q-Sandwitch Anyone?: Microwaved fishfingers on white bread - poison, poison, aah tasty fish

Name: Jimmy-34
Thursday, January 13th 2005 - 04:47:02 AM
Comments: Do-do-do-di-do-do, well it's four o'clock in the mornin'...(3men & little baby, 1989) as the song goes, but doesn't go on to mention being about to consume a second can of red-bull(diet, of course) and two bags of Haribo (for the sugar energy) to keep, keep, keep me on, till the break of dawn (Salt & Pepper, 1988). With just 34hrs from the 3-way, d-day, ess-ay, mel-e', i still appear to be 24hrs from Tulsa (Pitney, G 1986), and more than one step beyond[madness]! What ever did happen to those lazy days of uni i remember so well? We aint in Preston anymore i suppose toto... woof. This may be the last you hear from me as i enter the final stretch (insert porn reference even i'm too embarrassed to put in) and put some those nazi sleep deprivation estimates to the test.... if i get bored of that, i suppose i could sit in a bucket of cold water outside for a while, for a change of scenery. Well, slowly moving into the land of confused reality so i shall leave u now. Suffice to say, my hope of producing 3 stellar essays now rests on the belief that in the last 12hrs i will realise my full potential as the 'One'/'Neo' of academia, merge with the written word and produce work the likes of which have never been seen before (D, Tenacious; Wachowski, L. et al), instantaneously. Remember kids, There Is No Spoon!
Q-Sandwitch Anyone?: She was a good witch, she was a bad witch, but all she really wanted was a mother f*ckin sandwitch

Name: JimW
Friday, January 14th 2005 - 05:35:14 AM
Comments: 9hrs to go... 9hrs to go, ee i adio oh etc. Can u believe they encourage you to sing that stuff in school - it makes no sense... i bet it's some form of satanic incantation that slowely drains all joy from your soul over the next 50 yrs... yes, well, it is late. Has anyone else ever sat up in the middle of an exam (caste ye mind back) and just thought "you know what, i've been studying for months for these 3hrs and now i'm just sat looking around... la la la look and me, not doing anything"? Well I think They call it a self-destructive compulsion, and i think i got it pretty bad....thus the amount of waffle for you guys (and cause i loves ya)! Also, while we're on the subject of inner sanctums, ids and other(please specify) would anyone else have severe problems working on the set of a stop-motion animation like Pingu or Wallace & Gromit ? I just could see myself now stood over the carefully laid out plasticine(sp?) figures while everyone's on lunch.... thinking "don't do it, don't do it" - and worryingly i'm not sure which shoulder would win the debate! I also plan to stay away from big red buttons in all future careers :o) Well, a darker post than usual today, in anticipation of all the joy of beer and sleep i will get after 2pm! Hope to catch you all soon when work once again has faded to a subtle, slightly irritating, interjection between breakfast and alcoholism! xxJ
Q-Sandwitch Anyone?: Stirfried noodles in pita bread - pretty tasty, the foreign chip butty if you will :oD

Web Site Story

The Battle of the Century is upon us!

You may have thought the Sharks and the Jets were about as cut-throat as it gets..... Ha! Their petty squabbles weren't even close enough to drip Brylcream on the ancient rivalry that will battle it out here today, for your view pleasure! It's a contest of Good vs Evil, Heaven vs Hell...... well, for the discerning radio 4 listener anyway. It's...

www.NiceCupOfTeaAndaSitDown.com

Vs

www.GrumpierOldMen.co.uk

....Boooo! Hissss!

Who will win? Analysis, predictions, odds, commentary etc. all welcomed via comments....

Let's get it on!

But wait, there's more

Not sure how long we'll get with this one, but while we have the chance make sure you all put in a vote for our very own Tittering Tommy

http://www.hotornot.com/r/?eid=BLKLNMG&key=CPN

I'm sure he'll get very excited if Hot be the verdict this week! xJ

We can all spare £10-50

If need isn't enough justification for you - think of it as money you would have spent on a really shit night out in town, that you now can't afford to have. You are therefore up, in terms of happiness-credit, by one shit night avoided & perhaps some good-movie-joy that you would have otherwise missed on TV!

xJames

HAPPY NEW YEAR BLOG-O-PHILES!

NEW YEAR CHALLENGE - Can you guess which is my room!

Just thought I would take this picture on the way back from the smiley Indian shop (which is, I must point out with great confusion and personal distress, closed today!), because, well, it made me chuckle.

At least my bedroom-karaoke hasn't been annoying anyone for the last few days! @:-0

And no, bedroom-karaoke isn't a euphemism - you dirty minded bunch :o)

x James

New Game! New Game!!

Ha.

Have just spent a fulfilling half hour entering words and phrases into blogspot URLs to see if they exist. Bit sad? Well maybe. But the real comedy comes when you build a little story around who and why the blogspot was created, based on the blogspot name you guessed. If you want to get technical about your success rate and, with all the work I am trying to avoid, I do, you get 1 super skiver point if the URL exist, 2 pts if you also guess the date of the last entry, and three points if you also correctly identify if the blogger is Male or Female etc..

For example:

Having had many a browse through random blogspots, it's not too hard to pick up the underlying teenage-diary themes. Therefore, you can make a pretty good guess that http://lonely.blogspot.com/ is going to be snapped up pretty quickly by a temporary lonely geek back in 2000 when blogspot first got going... before being abandoned after a short while when everything cheers up for said sad teen in question. So, therefore, my guesses would be - yr 2000, say Female, and that it only ran for 2 months tops....

Gets better when you get more imaginative with your URLs, try song lyrics, clichés, cries for help, hollow profound statements etc..

Good fun eh! Hmmm, right, okay, back to work then!

Distractions Distractions!!

Just found the funniest picture ever on my computer - don't ask me how it got there, i have no idea, but thought i needed to share it with you guys!

I'd like to title this little offering as: What can happen if you feed your little brother/sister(?) nothing but chocolate and coke over the Christmas period!

I very nearly had an accident i laughed so hard at this! Get a load of the Paul McCartney head wobble - "Well shake it up baby now, Twist and Shout......" :oD

Virtual Academia: D2, P1, 2.41am: Main text outline!!

Having succesfully found out how to open the barn-style doors that lead onto the river of the study centre(10.30pm - which i'm sure shouldn't open), discovered a bag of haribo starmix on Sifu Greyfox's desk (12.30am) and converted my two desk lamps into the controls of a interstella space cruiser (2.15am - a la flight of the navigator) I have finally squeezed out my introduction to paper 1. Thank f*ck for that. I predict plain sailing from now on, mainly cause i've done everything possible the is to do in this place to avoid work, which can only leave the work left to do!

btw - i am refusing to count back from 20,000 words because it is too damn depressing!

See you in the morning xxJ

Virtual Academia: D2, P1, 16.27: Update

Dave has just returned! It is well and truly dark outside, and dave is back in the study centre. Hmmm, that rules out my reverse vampire & wereworlf theories, also we can probably discount drug pusher or pimp as this dodgey geezer's occupation. His shifty eyes and heavy set features cleary suggest some sort of mafia-related career, so i can only sumise he is also in the employment of the aforementioned subversive ring of international 'agencies', and is therefore most likely tasked with the protection and 'encouragement' of Sifu GreyFox & Fong Lo Qui!

.

Virtual Academia: Still 20,000 words to go.....hmmm

D2, P1, 15.37: Contents and structure!

Well, still no words on the page as such, but i had a read through my notes again with the full intention to write an awesome 2,000 this afternoon/evening! Well, done the reading part - now just for the writing-y bit. Nadia's coffee shop of salvation is shut today, so the ducks will not get to enjoy my company until tomorrow.
Got into the study centre at around 12 noon (noon, cause i've never been 100% whether that means pm or am! :o) so pretty good, but i think the Chinese guys here are begining to suspect i'm just turning up because i like it here, cause i've yet to do anything. Maybe if i got myself a little thermos flask, full of green tea, they would accept me as one of their own and inpart some ancient oriental knowledge of how to be studious. There are 4 regulars in here now: me, the professor looking chinese dude (who we shall call: Sifu GreyFox), his younger looking sidekick (aka Fong Lo Qui) and an english looking guy who looks about as lazy as me, but is only here during daylight hours (to be known as Dodgy Dave)!

Initial suspicions suggest that Prof Greyfox and Fong are subversive geneticists, on the payroll of a secret ring of international agencies who have control of a small island which they intend to populate with range of genetically altered super-creatures, for both the comercial fast food and tourist industries. More study will be required to investigate the mysterious Dave character.

15.55pm - nice

20,000 words to go - please give generously

Soooo, it's the 18th December.... I've got four term papers due in on the 14th January, each of about 5000. Right. Well. Erm. That's about - hang on - 900 words a day if I take off xmas day and newyears day.

Doesn't sound too bad, but hang on: 900 words = 4 pages. That's at least 6-8 references (reading at least 6-8 relevent books/articles) a day also. Bugger. It's my own fault, I have never really quite got my head around the 'doing stuff today so you can relax and have fun tomorrow' (Wright, 2004: 1) argument.

So, to keep me going through the upcoming marathon i've decided to keep the world in general up-to-date on my progress! Excited? I bet you are. Virtual Acedemia (Hill, Jimmy et al. 1997-2003) - it'll be all the rage in a few years.

Day One, Paper One
For the sake of brevity, we will be using abbrieviations of the form: D1, P1, 13.51: Introduction & structure. You get the idea - if not, well, I'm sure the Eastenders xmas omnibus will be on soon, so why not just put the kettle on, switch off your PC set and do something less boring instead ("Why Don't You", 1984).

D1, P1, 12.00: Introduction & structure
Having spent the morning crafting a particularly clever and informative timetable to get me through the next 2-3 weeks, using several colours and more than a smattering of motivational target points, I have realised i'm a bit screwed. I then got very depressed, and went to Nadias (oh, I'm sure this won't be the last reference to Nadia's oasis of joy) for a coffee and cake, and a bit of a sit down to watch the ducks. Awesome. Having conversed with the ducks at great length, through the medium of cake, they assured me that it would all be okay, and that, since i had no cake left, i had better f*ck off back into the study centre and stop blocking the bench for other would-be Cake Givers.

D1, P1, 13.00: Introduction & structure
Looking over my essay's title and current structure, i realised it was definitely a: paper of outstanding potential (POOP). And having, spent the last 5 minutes thinking of that pretty dismal gag, i now realise that my trip may have to be cut short a bit so I can get back here while everyone's away. I will float the idea with the ducks later, and see what they quack.

D1, P1, 13.37: Introduction & structure
Yes, i know I haven't made the best start in the world, but you have to give these things a chance to warm up. Bit sleepy, may go for a little snooze soon. Foolishly spent the last hour listening to Jonathon Ross on the Radio 2, aimlessly browsing around t'internet. Have to get the sis a present, and the little bro & niece, but after assesing my funds (13.25), it looks like creativity will be the theme of the year's gift-giving. Are cards with dried macaroni creatively arranged on the front still cute from a 25 years old? F*ck, I better timetable in construction time into my workplan!

Okay, today looks like another non-starter on the work front. Going training at 5pm, and then out with the last remnants of Cambridge folk before they all head off for the holidays. So, I think i will spend the rest of the afternoon changing my work calendar to account for xmas presents I'm going to build, and while i'm at it, i may as well shuffle today's work up allong the week a bit.

Today: 600 words, all Blog!

Oh dear, what have I done!

I've had many a thought recently for interesting Blogs, but, unfortunately, due to The Man's keeness on making me actually read all of the items in my future bibliographies, I really haven't had any time - sorry. There are, however, some things that cannot wait.... and, not being a religious guy, I am in desperate need of visiting our modern day confessional.

Last night...... I........ went on a social evening with the boxing club (and girls hockey club)....... dressed........ in chinos, a blue shirt, cufflinks and a club tie! Oh, and a blazer. I'm sorry. I don't know what went wrong. I feel dirty.... because.... I actually enjoyed it. It was amazing to see the admiration twinkle in the eyes of undergraduates watching you walk past a 100+ person queue and straight into the jammed nightclub, because you're 'on the team'. Straight out of an 80's coming-of-age college movie! Surreal almost. It got worse/better inside.... but I think that may be a bit too much to describe here.

Pass me the rosaries, I feel a flagellation is in order!

Realising now that my Blog page is being filled with increasingly rah comment about university sport societies (which, surprisingly, I don't spend quite so much time involved in), I promise much more random thoughts in the near future.

Thanks for listening.

Insight, in sight - a Chaps Report from the front

Most recently, I have joined the varsity boxing team. Now I've joined many fighty clubs before in my time, but this one, being Cambridge, has much more of a laudable status than most. As they say: being "one of the oldest sports teams in the university, for which a full Blue is awarded - est. 1897" I've finally found a place where knocking the crap out of people is prestigious. Cool. A full what is awarded, you might ask. Well I did. A Blue is something the sports clubs award, as far as I can tell, in recognition to students for athletic services against Oxford. And with this go all the spoils of jock-celebrity, and, being England, the gentry...

Boiled down that basically means good shag prospects..... with a tie.

Last night I attended my first team meeting, held at the Blues' own Hawks Club. Well, have a little look yourself at the link below - although it's actually a bit nicer on the inside, and has it's own service staff attending. Non-too shabby retreat for your average sweat laden boxer / footballer eh... Hmmm, just like Preston. I'll let you know how I get on.

Some links for you: The Hawks Club and CU Amature Boxing Club

PS. Watch this space for the upcoming season of Rich Chicks in Cheap Shirts.....

Uns dirão que é impossivel isto ficar mais gay...

Follow the weblink: Cr�nicas do Diabo

Just found this while scrolling through the blog files- it's so much funnier with the spanish descriptions! I wonder what they say? Enjoy!

IdleDoodle

We're all a little negative sometimes!



Yes, combining my talent for cheesy headlines with an extraordinary ability to download free GIF-animation software, to create yet another effective Work Avoidance Tactic (WAT)


- WAT, are you doing?
- Yes master yoda, this.


The thought just occurred to me that my major WAT is usually eating.... and since most of my work consists of essays, eat-ing is just logical!
I could draw some Venn diagrams or something to stretch the point, but by now you're doing one of three things:
1) you're groaning, thinking how geeky i am;
2) you're groaning but thinking, this James character is pretty fuckin cool i wish i was him/shagging him;
or 3) you've wandered back off into your own little happy world of ignorant security, and have subconsciously begun preparing a future in which pointy objects hold untold dangers, shiny objects hold untold mysteries and holidays are defined by the presence of a Lunn Poly rep.

Ha.


.....but I suppose it depends on you perspective really

Welcome

Just a bit of temporary furniture here to brighten up the place until i have a bit of time write something interesting, witty(obviously) and [briefly] significant